Theoria

Due to a string of unfortunate events, it was no longer possible to watch “Twilight” as we had originally planned on Friday evening; Friday nights being “Falafel Friday,” which is usually sustained with sub-par cultural offerings such as “Dollhouse” or, worse, “Numbers.” Occasionally we watch one of those “newsmagazines” wherein a potentially dreadful crime is examined: murder most foul or just plain bad luck? Traditionally, Saturday is known as “Samosa Saturday” and, because there is nothing on TV, we usually watch a movie: an ideal setting, indeed, for “Twilight.”

With the exception of getting up once (perhaps twice) to refill my drink, I remained transfixed to the television screen through the entire duration of the movie. This is a rare feat. We generally do not watch movies when they play “live” on television because more often than not, these movies suck and the movie must be watched in manageable lengths. “Crash,” for instance, likely took about three days to get through. Let me put this in perspective: the last two movies we watched without breaks were “Role Models” (a classic in the “Apatow Cannon,” albeit unrecognized as such) and “Death Race.” To put this in another perspective, “Role Models” is possibly the funniest, most amusing movie featuring Paul Rudd (c.f., “The Forty Year Old Virgin,” which while funny was not that funny) and “Death Race” is definitely one of Jason Statham’s finest accomplishments trumping even the heights achieved in “The Transporter” series. Needless to say, that I only walked away from the TV once and only in order to refuel, this is high praise indeed for this film.

Admittedly, I was skeptical of the movie. After all, Bill Compton once said of Edward Cullen, “He’s a pussy! He’s the Slim-Fast, Diet Coke of vampires.” And Bill Compton is a real vampire. Of course, as far as vampires go, Bill Compton is no Erik Northman, nor a Godric, nor even a Spike, but he is certainly more of a vampire than Angel, but perhaps less than Angelus. Needless to say, Bill Compton’s opinion on other vampires is worthy of careful consideration.

Like many of you, all I knew about “Twilight” was gleaned from seeing the books at the checkout aisles at drug stores and, of course, from stoney321′s Livejournal overview of “Twilight” as, in essence, Mormon propaganda (on the novels; on the movie–in high school I had a Mormon friend, he never accepted that when he said “Oh, fiddlesticks” or “Oh, frick” or “Oh, fudge” that these words were performing the same semantic function of “fuck;” why look like an idiot and say “fuddy-duddy” when what you meant to say was “fuck.” He also lent me a book on what happens to us after we die. I found it strange, but, in retrospect, I suppose that I should have been honored that he deemed me worthy of conversion.). The picture of the dog in the wheelchair, by the way, looks like our new dog, Gordon. And, like many of you, I was curious as to how the “rainbow sparkles” would be represented. Admittedly, I was disappointed with this vital aspect of the movie: either the rainbow sparkles were completely underwhelming or the TV I inherited from my parents was not up to the task. In truth, it was very difficult to discern Edward’s usual pallid complexion from his rainbow sparkles enhanced complexion. Fortunately, the producers of the movie were considerate enough to have “rainbow sparkles music” so as to alert me to the presence of the rainbow sparkles.

While the pace was plodding, the dialogue stilted, the characterization banal, and the events inexplicable, I found myself deeply drawn to this film to such an extent that the first thing I did upon getting to my computer after seeing “Twilight” was look at the listings for the cheap theater in the next town over (something like $3 per adult). Now, for many of you who are inclined to engage in regular social activities, you might not find this surprising in the least. After all, what is more normal than going to see a movie at a theater? I should provide you with the following tidbit: the last movie I deemed worthy of seeing in the theater was “Snakes on a Plane.” (I also saw the Keanu Reeves movie “Sweet November” and the John Cusack movie “Runaway Jury” because the local theaters–or someone else with a genius flair for marketing–determined that the best way to guarantee a successful launch of a movie was to send free tickets to sociology departments at the local universities.)

Overall, in my estimation, despite the aforementioned flaws in the film, I am confident in my assessment that it is the best screen adaptation of an overly long tween novel about supernatural phenomena and beings since the “Harry Potter” series. Am I a “Twi-hard?” No, but I am most certainly a “Twi-lite.”